Critical Failures IV by Robert Bevan

Author:Robert Bevan [Bevan, Robert]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Published: 2015-11-22T00:00:00+00:00

Chapter 23

The stout oaks and elms of the forest grew closer to the road the farther south they traveled, eventually giving way to spindly cypresses as the lush grass turned to muddy water. Where the hard-packed earthen road stopped and the wide cypress-planked boardwalk began, an old, weather-beaten wooden sign greeted the party.

WELCOME TO PORTTOWN

“We should dismount,” said Dave. The boardwalk appeared sturdy, supported by living cypress trees on both sides and wide enough for a large wagon to travel on, but he didn’t want to take any chances. The last thing he needed was to fall through and be trapped underwater under a panicky horse.

Julian nodded. “Their spell duration is about to run out anyway.” He pointed at the sign on the side of the road. “We should take that, too.”

“The sign?” asked Stacy. “What do we need that for?”

“We need to start taking souvenirs wherever we go,” Julian explained. “If Chaz fails to tell everyone where we are, or if we’ve gone somewhere else by the time help arrives, they can find us by looking at the inventory on our character sheets.”

“Not a terrible idea,” said Tony the Elf. “But what will you tell people who question you for carrying around obviously stolen city property?”

“Two of us could carry it together, facing down,” said Dave. He didn’t really like the idea of backing one of Julian’s crazy schemes, but Tony the Elf needed to be taken down a notch. “Nobody would even know.”

Tony the Elf shook his head. “You two fools do whatever you want. As long as we’re just wasting time, I’m going to give my feet a rest.” He sat down on a wide-capped cypress knee and began to remove his boots.

Julian looked at Dave. “Thanks.”

Dave nodded. “Sure.”

“Couldn’t we just go to, like, a souvenir shop or something?” asked Stacy.

Julian laughed, which surprised Dave, as it was the exact sort of suggestion he’d expect to come out of Julian’s mouth. Maybe he was finally learning the ropes.

“Where do you think we are?”asked Tony the Elf. “Disneyworld?”

“I was just trying to be helpful.”

“Maybe we can find some cool keyring, or one of those caps with the Mickey Mouse ears.”

“Keep talking, Tony the Elf,” said Stacy. “Maybe you’ll find my foot in your ass.”

Julian raised his hand like he was trying to get the teacher’s attention. “Hey guys, come on. Keep it civil. If we find something smaller and more portable when we get into the city, we’ll ditch the sign.” He grabbed the top left corner of the sign. “Grab the other side, Dave. On three, we’ll both give it a good hard yank.”

Dave grabbed the bottom right corner and prepared to yank.

“One... two...”

“What do you two think you’re doing with that sign?” said an older man’s voice from behind Dave.

Julian looked past Dave. “Jesus!” He quickly let go of the sign. “Um... Nothing, sir. It looked crooked, so we were straightening it out.”

Dave turned around and saw a naked old man standing on the road. He looked like a fat David Attenborough who life hadn’t been kind to.

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